Sawyer Austin

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wishing it were a dream

I pretty much knew that I wanted another baby soon after Xavier. To some people they didn't agree with this but I have learned you can't and will not make everyone happy. So on November 1, 2005 we found out we were having another baby! So excited and had no worries about going into labor early. That was all about to change. The doctor found that I had a double uterus which was the main reason why Xavier was so early. I didn't know too much about it but we told that I should be able to carry further along than I did with Xavier. Not the case... I was having contractions so we drove to the hospital and they hooked me up to all sorts of machines. I think it was about 2 hours and they stopped so the Army doctors gave me the ok to head home. Big mistake. We weren't home 10 minutes and my water broke. Back to the hospital only this time to stay a lot longer than we expected. So here we go again, I was going into labor with Sawyer. I was rushed to Del Sol Medical Center in El Paso TX. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was for me to write that. That place has such horrible memories for me it's hard to think of that place. It was basically my hell. My situation with Sawyer was alot better than Xavier's, I still had fluid around the baby and my contractions stopped so we thought I would just stay on bed rest. Well the next day they noticed that Sawyer had an infection that wasn't treatable except for c-section. We didn't know what to expect when they pulled him out. I mean how do you even begin to prepare to say hello to little life and seconds later say goodbye. They got him out and by the grace of God were able to get the tube down.  I was in the recovery room for a few hours before I could see him. But when I did it was love at first sight. He looked just like Xavier did when he was in the hospital. The next day I was very sick with high fevers and very weak. They found out I was getting the same infection Sawyer was fighting. And to top it all off was the stupid doctor that gave me my c-section cut too long, I can't even begin to explain the pain. I remember my family would call my room and all I was able to do was whisper to them cause the pain was so intense. The hard part was during the period that I was sick I wasn't allowed to visit Sawyer. I remember laying in my hospital bed pleading with God to make me better so I could see Sawyer. I was so afraid he would pass and I wouldn't see him. A few days later after my fevers stopped I was able to finally see my beautiful baby. It was the best moment of my life to touch his hand. Yay I finally get discharged and get to go home. It was so hard to be away from Xavier and knowing Mike was alone. Sawyer had so many issues he was dealing with that his poor little body just couldn't handle anymore. They tried to do what they could but it just wasn't enough. I'm not going to go into detail but we got a call on March 25, 2006 from the doctors to please come in. My husband was going so fast down the highway it was unreal. We made it to the room and sat next to Sawyer. I remember one of the nurses saying maybe you should tell him it's ok to go. I wanted to kill her. So we were able to hold him, I went first and it was unexplainable. I couldn't even see him through my tears. Micheal held him and as he did I remember yelling someone cover his feet, his feet are getting so cold. I think about 4-5 minutes later he passed away in Michael's arms.

As we left Sawyer we made our way out to see that some of my husbands co-workers came for support. I was a mess but to see your big strong Army husband fall apart was more than I could handle.

 As hard as this blog was to write I'm so glad I did.  It's been 4 1/2 years since Sawyer passed and to this day it's still as hard as the day it happened. We love and miss you Sawyer with all our heart.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Change Came

So it was January 14th of 2005 and my husband was driving me home from KY to PA because he was going to be training. So we packed up and i went back i thought. We were 3 hrs from PA when something didn't feel right. Yep my water broke in the car and i was at only 22 weeks along. So scared and didn't know what was going to happen, my husband floored it to the nearest hospital. They determined i had a UTI and nothing to worry about.....well after my 1st exam i was already at 2cm....not good at all. That hospital didn't have a NICU so i was rushed to UVA about an hour away. The doctor there told me i was starting to go into early labor and would try their best to hold off labor with meds. Well that was horrible, they made me feel so bad and very sick. I was on them for about 3 long days when the doc said we can't let you on them anymore. So this was Wednesday am when i went off all meds. All day Thursday i had very bad contractions and I knew it was only a matter of time before my little baby would be born. As the hours passed they gave me a button to push as the pain got worst and it did. Meanwhile, all Michael kept saying while in and out of sleep was "don't forget to push the button". Nice, thanks honey. So Xavier was born at 4:29am weighing in at 2 1/2 oz and 11 inches long. He was only given a 10% survival. Ha! What did those doctors know!!

Xavier had a very hard road the next 4 months (110 days) in the hospital. Michael and I stayed, well lived at the Ronald McDonald house for the entire time. It was such a blessing to have somewhere like that to stay. We went to the hospital everyday for hrs at a time, eating hospital food, watching babies come and go all while Xavier was fighting for his life. I remember being so mad when i would see new parents with their babies. I often would sit by his side and ask myself will i ever be that parent who gets to take her baby home with her. So after months of ups and many downs Xavier graduated out of the intensive care and up to the well baby nursery!!!! Such a blessing to see your baby being wheeled up in his bassinet to the well baby nursery.

Along the way we meet some astounding families and made great friends while staying at the Ronald McDonald House. Just when you think your situation is hard, you meet a family who is desperate to find a new heart for their son. It just doesn't seem fair.

So very happy to say that on May 9, 2005 just shy of his due date, the nurse was carrying him out to the car. Talk about tears!!! So to all you doctors that said Xavier didn't stand a chance, I say don't ever underestimate my God! He was in control the entire way through Xavier's fight.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

First thing first: Marriage

So I'm so excited to Finally have a blog. I've been wanting to start one for awhile now but never really found time, until now. So ready, set go. It was the summer of 2004 and i was invited to a BBQ (little did i know my future husband would be there) to welcome back Sgt. Bucci. Lets just say it was love at first sight for the both of us. We started dating and after only two weeks I yes I asked him to marry me. That was in June and we tied the knot in September of that same year. We later found out we were expecting our first child in May. Wow we were so surprised and very much happy. So we packed up our things and moved to My first Army base which was Ft. Campbell KY. Lets just say the first few weeks of being an army wife wasn't at all what i had in mind. Lets see, I was pregnant and very sick, my husband was gone all day and to top it all off, we had to live in a hotel for 2 long very long weeks. Did i mention we had a dog too and everyday all day i was cleaning up dog pee/poop all while trying not to puke. Great times! So we finally got our first house which was not at all what i had in mind but at least i had my own bathroom. And then there came my first experience with Army doctors. I had the worst experience with them. First of all if your an army wife you know what i'm talking about.....when you get pregnant they won't see you for like the first couple of months and you have to sit through this stupid class of dumb stuff. Pointless! That was also the time when i had to learn very fast my husband's SS#. Man those Tricare ladies do not play when you call for your appointment. We had so many good times those first few months of marriage and then it changed............

Well that was my first blog and i really hope whomever reads this enjoys it as much as i did writing it. Stay tuned.