Sawyer Austin

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Thoughts for Thursday

Yes it's another Thursday!! So as always here are my thoughts:

So glad to have my house back to normal (somewhat) from Christmas

I HATE cleaning bathrooms!! gross

I've slept so much this Christmas break it ain't even funny

I can't come up with any goals for the New Year???? I want something new and fresh.....I mean doesn't everyone wanna get in shape and watch what they eat????? I wanna make something different this year.

Been loving the time I get with Michael......watching movies at night and just great conversations

It feels so good to give back...I got a huge box filled with old toys and giving it to the goodwill....what a good feeling!! you should try it

hate working out but get so excited when I'm done

ready for Spring (like 5 minutes ago)

my kids and dogs follow me everywhere

is it too much too ask to use the bathroom ALONE?????

waiting for some news!!!!

I have a feeling 2011 is going to be an exciting year!!

That is all......Happy New Year

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Missing Home

We had such an awesome Christmas this year!!! Best gift by far was having my husband home for it:) The kids got so much stuff, here it is the 26th and we still have toys in the box cause there are too many! I think my husband enjoys playing with the toys as much as the kids do! He's still very much a kid at heart. With that being said, man it's so hard being away from family for Christmas. We have an aunt and uncle that live in the area, so we got to spend Christmas Eve with them. It's been great having them close by to have some sort of family around. All I kept thinking of was wow wish my parents were here to see the kids open up gifts or having Christmas dinner with all of them. But instead I get to see pictures of my brothers' beautiful kids open gifts. Not the same but I'll take what I can get. Not to mention how hard it is to see my parents through pictures and having fun without us.

There is no in between either. Last Christmas I was.....well the b word! Just wasn't a happy person without Michael home. This year wasn't that bad but still there seems to be no in between. WHY???? I knew getting married to an Army man that this came along with it. It just sucks....blah I feel like I can't talk to Michael about it either, it doesn't bother him. He's been away for so long now that it's no big deal. Well I'm a lot closer to my family I guess. My mom and sister in law's are my best friends and I'm a huge daddys' girl. So I'm sure that's why it's easier for him to be away. Who knows. Any who, I hope everyone had a blessed holiday! Now bring on Spring please or Summer would be nice.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thoughts for Thursday

So it's Thursday which means Christmas is almost here! This Christmas will be so special having my husband here. A far cry from last Christams!

Just some random thoughts:

I hate holiday traffic!!! That's my #1

so it's confirmed we have a dead tree for Christmas! That's our luck. no really there's only like 3 needles left!

can not wait for my kids to get some new toys to play with....they are driving me CRAZY!

love that Michael is home but really missing my other family:( that part of the Army really sucks...blah

Sekota is pretty sure our dog is a horse (Trigger) he keeps trying to ride I said they need new toys

so excited that I got two diaper cakes done and may I say that look pretty awesome! And I made two covers for baby wipe cases....very cool and a cheap baby gift!

ready for summer so I can meet the newest Mickey baby....come on summer

So here's hoping you all have a wonderful Christams......and remember what is really important in life and it's NOT the gifts.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Husband vs. Wife

I know no marriage is perfect and it's something that always has to be worked on. (well That's I how feel anyway) Everyday when Michael gets home from work I always ask him how his day was. And everyday I get to listen to yet another Army story. I get so tired of hearing those stories BUT I love my husband so I want to know. Do you think he asks me about my day???? Heck no! It gets me mad but I hate getting into fights (which we hardly do) so I just brush it off and think maybe he'll ask me another day. I think too we are still trying to settle in again with living with each other. Being apart as much as we have it kinda puts a strain on our marriage when we do get back together. But it's nothing we can't handle.

So yesterday we had to take Xavier to his eye exam. It was crazy early and I had to get two kids up and dressed, pack a bag, take the dogs out and get myself ready. So any who we're on the road and Michael asked me if I grabbed the paper work for the eye exam. REALLY guy???? Then got pissed when i told him I didn't get it. Why is it that I have to do everything??? I'm sure if I would he'd want me to wipe his a** for him too. Men I just don't get them sometimes! It doesn't take much it's just the little things people! Like pick up your own dirty crusty Army Pt's and wash them yourself.

Make no mistake we love each other more than anything and our sweet kids. It's just we have our moments just like any other marriage.  I would follow my husband anywhere (which I have), I would love more than anything to be able to go home more but this is our life. I guess I've just grew up alot being an Army wife.

Ups and downs (and believe me when I say we have had our share) we love each other and will continue to grow and have a beautiful marriage.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Remember When

This picture is Christmas of 04. As you can see I'm pregnant with Xavier. This was by far my favorite Christmas:)

Saturday, December 18, 2010


What a year it's been! My husband deployed last Aug 09 and just returned Aug 10. So he missed the holidays...weird! That seems to be the story of our live. I'm so thankful for him to be home for this holiday. Not that last year wasn't good, cause it was. I went home to PA to live the whole yr while he was gone. My family tried and did their best to get me through it, but some days it didn't matter what we did or what they said to me. NOTHING matter cause Michael wasn't there. He always joked saying our kids are going to start thinking he's "uncle Mike"......not so funny for me. So I did it, I made it through the holiday (well as best I could). How can you be happy when there is a huge part of you missing??? You can't, I couldn't. My poor kids, not proud of it but some days I would do nothing and I mean nothing. Sometimes they would even eat dinner in the bathtub. What??? Don't judge me, it was a hard time. But I'm so thankful that's it's over and he's here this year. My worst fear is he's gonna deploy again:( wow not sure if I could make it through another one. It's sad when you think a 12 month deployment is short. He's had some Loooooong ones. Thought  I was gonna die...but as you can see I made it through. So thank you to my wonderful and strong husband for being my rock and getting me through some of the hardest times. I heart you Michael V:) (i know cheesy) too bad

Thursday, December 16, 2010

My Question of the myself

So the hubby wants another bundle of joy........I'm very much torn for several reasons:

1) I'm not that girl who enjoys being pregnant

2) I gained a lot of weight with Sekota and I'm finally happy with my body.....well kinda

3) 9 months REALLY? that's crazy...I mean can't it be like 5 months

4) bed rest with 2 kids and the hubby at work??? not a good idea

5) morning sickness need I say more

Don't get me wrong I loooove being a mommy but I'll be honest some days I'm looking for a mommy exit. But wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I have to say though after 3 boys it would be nice to try for a little girl. Oh and we have family members that like to put in their two cents about it and seem to think we should stop where we are. Yeah that totally pisses the hubby off. I just laugh and brush it off. My sister in law is on her 4th and she's telling me to take one for the team!! So who knows...I guess stay tuned:)

Monday, December 13, 2010


I've always been pretty crafty....well at least I think so. I'm going to attempt my first diaper cake. Funny how excited I am to get started on it:) I'm also gonna make a tie blanket-which by the way is very easy and super cute! I've been trying to learn to knit but just can't seem to master that yet.

So I just wanted to know if anyone had any cute craft ideas???  Anything, I feel like I do the same things and just looking for some new ideas.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Sometimes you just need to let it out

What a week!! Yesterday was by far the hardest day I've had being a mommy. It's no secret that my 5 yr old has autism, well he melted down so bad that I wasn't able to comfort him. He has never melted down like that ever. I first called my mom because well isn't that what every mom does it call her mom and ask "mom what should i do?". She advised me to call the doctor to have him seen right away. Called the doctor and they couldn't see him till 6:30..yay me. Mike at that time was on his way home to help. Can i just say how hard it is to see your child that mind you is nonverbal wanting so bad to tell me what he wants and nothing comes out. I've never seen anyone have a seizure but I'm pretty sure he had a mild one. So fighting tears I just held him tight in my arms all while he's grabbing, pinching and throwing himself at me. I even had to call the doctor's office twice because the first time I couldn't hear over Xavier. We get him to the doctor's and he gets a clean bill of health, they seem to think he was just extremely tired.

On a great note he's back to his old self, full of smiles and giggles. On the other hand mommy has a lot of battle scars.....

Today I called my sister in law and just cried and thanks Dani for being there for me. Love ya long time Pal:)

Monday, December 6, 2010

Will it ever get easy???

It's been 41/2 years since we said our goodbyes to Sawyer, and it just doesn't seem to get any easier. I've prayed about it and prayed more about it and the pain is still there like it happened yesterday. Along the way I've been able to let go of alot of anger and I mean alot. I remember just yelling at the top of my lungs WHY?? why is this happening to us. Being so angry with God that he is letting this happen to MY baby.

Christmas is always hard for me, when I go to hang up the stockings it seems so weird and still very hard to comprehend that Sawyer doesn't have one. And yes I have thought about making him one but for me to see it hanging there would be just too painful. I often wonder who he would have looked like. Would he have my husband's warm smile or my caring heart......and how he would play with his brothers'.

I read stories of other families that have had a loss of a child and not that it makes me happy that they have had to go through all the pain but happy that they also know what you went through and are still going through. Cause let me tell you, you can NEVER get that image out of your head. I remember being at the cemetery and after the prayer was said I just fell completely apart in every way shape and form. All I remember was my brother Jason coming up from behind and holding me so tight and not wanting to let go.

The next few months after his passing was such a blur. I felt so distant from everyone around me except for Xavier. I wouldn't let him out of my sight in fear that I would loose him too.

My faith had gotten me through so much and I will continue to pray that my days will get easier and my heart will heal.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thoughts for Thursday

Blah what a long morning. We had to get up at 5 and of course the dogs had to pee at 4:30 so I've been up ever since. Xavier had yet another eye exam...this one wasn't as bad. They want him back on the 21st to have another go but the good news is that his eyes are looking like they are getting stronger!!!

I made Mike go back and hold him down, (not a good experience) so that left me with fat boy. He felt very strongly that he needed to let everyone in the building know he had to take a poo. Nice Sekota...thanks for that. The joys of something!!

My husband is way to dedicated to his it too much to ask that we get a tree before Christmas??

My smaller dog Scout almost made me vomit this morning......he thinks it's cool to eat Trigger's poo. I told Mike after Scout got his licks in! What?? He had it coming!

Big family news broke this week...still in shock but oh brother and sister in law are having their 4th baby in June!!

Happy Thursday blah blah for a nap

Saturday, November 27, 2010


So I've seen Alot of homeless people lately......and that brings me to this question.

If your homeless with no money or food where the heck do you get the cardboard and marker to make your sign???  Funny how most all of them are smoking too.  My husband always tells me to look at their shoes, if they look nice well then they aren't homeless. Pretty much all of them have decent shoes.

Long story short...get a J-O-B! Mickey-D's is always hiring.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thoughts for Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving!!!! Wow what a day! I had to cook dinner for a bunch a very hungry Army guys. Man those guys can eat. We had a very nice dinner and I'm so happy that I was able to give back to them for all they do for us!! Great Day.

It's hard being away from home for the holidays but I'm so happy and blessed to finally have Michael home for a holiday. He's been gone so much of our marriage that it almost seems weird him being here. Let me break it down fast. we've been married 6 yrs and only spent about 3 yrs of it together. So this is such a blessing to have him here. All I kept thinking about when I was cooking dinner was wow this time last year was....well there really are no words unless you go through it. Let's just say I was very lost without him by my side. So that is what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving :)

I hope everyone had a very blessed day with family and friends! 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

A little of this and a little of that

So I've heard alot on the news about the new devices people have to go through at the airport and just want to know why people complain so much. Why take the risk??? Can't you just go through it and be done with it already?? When are people gonna understand that other crazy people (if that's what you wanna call them)what us dead??!!

I would love nothing more than to go into politics! I can very much hold my own:)

AND I'm not saying this because my husband is in the Army but I have always thought they get paid crap and should be one of the highest paying jobs out there. Shout out to all you men and women who get paid crap to give us Freedom!!

Oh and this Don't ask Don't tell policy should be voted by Military personnel only.  Just my if you don't like what I've said please feel free to get out of my blog.


Thursday, November 18, 2010

Thoughts for Thursday

I'd like to start out by saying to all you Army wives REALLY??? we are all in the same boat, so why are some of you so well the b word??? I mean I'm pretty sure my crap smells like yours so get over yourself now. Don't get me wrong I've made some really nice friends but wow too many are the b word. (and I'm being nice)

went to Xavier's parent teacher conference today! it was good all up to the point where Sekota thought he should start throwing stuff everywhere! nice..I very nicely told the teacher we need to wrap this up if you still want your room in one piece.

My husband can't seem to put the garage door down in the am when he leaves (4:30am).....grrrrr it pisses me off so bad. i had to call him and let him know. good way to start the day.

I'm pretty sure i have to clean my downstairs bathroom at least 2-3x a day. my kids have bad aim...they get it from they daddy!  

if i have to hear or watch Finding Nemo one more time I'm gonna poke out my eyes.....just keep swimming.......he touched the butt

on a great note i don't have to cook tonight!!

is it sad when the highlight of your day is cutting "really cool coupons"???

just a little Thursday thoughts

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Trials and Tribulations of an Army Wife: Sweet # 3

Trials and Tribulations of an Army Wife: Sweet # 3: "It was the start of summer 2007 and Mike was on his way home for R&R!!! Xavier and I were so excited to see him, it's was a long winter with..."

Sweet # 3

It was the start of summer 2007 and Mike was on his way home for R&R!!! Xavier and I were so excited to see him, it's was a long winter without him:( Anywho, so we had such a blast together! The 2 weeks he was home were the best two weeks I've had in a long time. No really! You try and be without your husband for a year and lets see how you like it. 

On a very sad Saturday I had to say my tearful goodbye and watch him leave and not see him again until December:( Well I had this feeling something wasn't right so I took a pregnancy test. My mom came down with a OMG look on her face and said "Mike did it again"!!! Not thinking we were gonna have anymore babies after Sawyer this was a big shock. So when Mike called me to let me know he made it back to Iraq safe and sound.....I told him not to make plans for Feb. His words: why??? who's getting married?? Only my husband would say that. So ready or not Sekota was on his way. BTW- we always get so many good comments about the name Sekota, and I wanted to let everyone know that he was named after one of Mike's guys who was killed in Iraq. That was his last name. It was so very important to both of us that we name him Sekota. Back to my story. I had a great pregnacy with Sekota. Nothing exciting was going on which in my world was great. And of course he was 5 weeks early and yes Mike missed the birth! My mom had to play the dad role!

I thank God everyday for blessing us with Sekota! He was such a wonderful surprise:)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Xavier wants to set the record straight so listen up yo!!

In Xavier's words:

AUTISM DOES NOT HAVE ME!!! I HAVE AUSTISM!! Just wanted to make that clear:)

So to all you so called doctors who seem to think these children should be put away I say screw you, my baby is very smart and learns more and exciting things everyday. That is all.


Xavier and his Mommy

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wishing it were a dream

I pretty much knew that I wanted another baby soon after Xavier. To some people they didn't agree with this but I have learned you can't and will not make everyone happy. So on November 1, 2005 we found out we were having another baby! So excited and had no worries about going into labor early. That was all about to change. The doctor found that I had a double uterus which was the main reason why Xavier was so early. I didn't know too much about it but we told that I should be able to carry further along than I did with Xavier. Not the case... I was having contractions so we drove to the hospital and they hooked me up to all sorts of machines. I think it was about 2 hours and they stopped so the Army doctors gave me the ok to head home. Big mistake. We weren't home 10 minutes and my water broke. Back to the hospital only this time to stay a lot longer than we expected. So here we go again, I was going into labor with Sawyer. I was rushed to Del Sol Medical Center in El Paso TX. I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was for me to write that. That place has such horrible memories for me it's hard to think of that place. It was basically my hell. My situation with Sawyer was alot better than Xavier's, I still had fluid around the baby and my contractions stopped so we thought I would just stay on bed rest. Well the next day they noticed that Sawyer had an infection that wasn't treatable except for c-section. We didn't know what to expect when they pulled him out. I mean how do you even begin to prepare to say hello to little life and seconds later say goodbye. They got him out and by the grace of God were able to get the tube down.  I was in the recovery room for a few hours before I could see him. But when I did it was love at first sight. He looked just like Xavier did when he was in the hospital. The next day I was very sick with high fevers and very weak. They found out I was getting the same infection Sawyer was fighting. And to top it all off was the stupid doctor that gave me my c-section cut too long, I can't even begin to explain the pain. I remember my family would call my room and all I was able to do was whisper to them cause the pain was so intense. The hard part was during the period that I was sick I wasn't allowed to visit Sawyer. I remember laying in my hospital bed pleading with God to make me better so I could see Sawyer. I was so afraid he would pass and I wouldn't see him. A few days later after my fevers stopped I was able to finally see my beautiful baby. It was the best moment of my life to touch his hand. Yay I finally get discharged and get to go home. It was so hard to be away from Xavier and knowing Mike was alone. Sawyer had so many issues he was dealing with that his poor little body just couldn't handle anymore. They tried to do what they could but it just wasn't enough. I'm not going to go into detail but we got a call on March 25, 2006 from the doctors to please come in. My husband was going so fast down the highway it was unreal. We made it to the room and sat next to Sawyer. I remember one of the nurses saying maybe you should tell him it's ok to go. I wanted to kill her. So we were able to hold him, I went first and it was unexplainable. I couldn't even see him through my tears. Micheal held him and as he did I remember yelling someone cover his feet, his feet are getting so cold. I think about 4-5 minutes later he passed away in Michael's arms.

As we left Sawyer we made our way out to see that some of my husbands co-workers came for support. I was a mess but to see your big strong Army husband fall apart was more than I could handle.

 As hard as this blog was to write I'm so glad I did.  It's been 4 1/2 years since Sawyer passed and to this day it's still as hard as the day it happened. We love and miss you Sawyer with all our heart.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A Change Came

So it was January 14th of 2005 and my husband was driving me home from KY to PA because he was going to be training. So we packed up and i went back i thought. We were 3 hrs from PA when something didn't feel right. Yep my water broke in the car and i was at only 22 weeks along. So scared and didn't know what was going to happen, my husband floored it to the nearest hospital. They determined i had a UTI and nothing to worry about.....well after my 1st exam i was already at 2cm....not good at all. That hospital didn't have a NICU so i was rushed to UVA about an hour away. The doctor there told me i was starting to go into early labor and would try their best to hold off labor with meds. Well that was horrible, they made me feel so bad and very sick. I was on them for about 3 long days when the doc said we can't let you on them anymore. So this was Wednesday am when i went off all meds. All day Thursday i had very bad contractions and I knew it was only a matter of time before my little baby would be born. As the hours passed they gave me a button to push as the pain got worst and it did. Meanwhile, all Michael kept saying while in and out of sleep was "don't forget to push the button". Nice, thanks honey. So Xavier was born at 4:29am weighing in at 2 1/2 oz and 11 inches long. He was only given a 10% survival. Ha! What did those doctors know!!

Xavier had a very hard road the next 4 months (110 days) in the hospital. Michael and I stayed, well lived at the Ronald McDonald house for the entire time. It was such a blessing to have somewhere like that to stay. We went to the hospital everyday for hrs at a time, eating hospital food, watching babies come and go all while Xavier was fighting for his life. I remember being so mad when i would see new parents with their babies. I often would sit by his side and ask myself will i ever be that parent who gets to take her baby home with her. So after months of ups and many downs Xavier graduated out of the intensive care and up to the well baby nursery!!!! Such a blessing to see your baby being wheeled up in his bassinet to the well baby nursery.

Along the way we meet some astounding families and made great friends while staying at the Ronald McDonald House. Just when you think your situation is hard, you meet a family who is desperate to find a new heart for their son. It just doesn't seem fair.

So very happy to say that on May 9, 2005 just shy of his due date, the nurse was carrying him out to the car. Talk about tears!!! So to all you doctors that said Xavier didn't stand a chance, I say don't ever underestimate my God! He was in control the entire way through Xavier's fight.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

First thing first: Marriage

So I'm so excited to Finally have a blog. I've been wanting to start one for awhile now but never really found time, until now. So ready, set go. It was the summer of 2004 and i was invited to a BBQ (little did i know my future husband would be there) to welcome back Sgt. Bucci. Lets just say it was love at first sight for the both of us. We started dating and after only two weeks I yes I asked him to marry me. That was in June and we tied the knot in September of that same year. We later found out we were expecting our first child in May. Wow we were so surprised and very much happy. So we packed up our things and moved to My first Army base which was Ft. Campbell KY. Lets just say the first few weeks of being an army wife wasn't at all what i had in mind. Lets see, I was pregnant and very sick, my husband was gone all day and to top it all off, we had to live in a hotel for 2 long very long weeks. Did i mention we had a dog too and everyday all day i was cleaning up dog pee/poop all while trying not to puke. Great times! So we finally got our first house which was not at all what i had in mind but at least i had my own bathroom. And then there came my first experience with Army doctors. I had the worst experience with them. First of all if your an army wife you know what i'm talking about.....when you get pregnant they won't see you for like the first couple of months and you have to sit through this stupid class of dumb stuff. Pointless! That was also the time when i had to learn very fast my husband's SS#. Man those Tricare ladies do not play when you call for your appointment. We had so many good times those first few months of marriage and then it changed............

Well that was my first blog and i really hope whomever reads this enjoys it as much as i did writing it. Stay tuned.