It's been 41/2 years since we said our goodbyes to Sawyer, and it just doesn't seem to get any easier. I've prayed about it and prayed more about it and the pain is still there like it happened yesterday. Along the way I've been able to let go of alot of anger and I mean alot. I remember just yelling at the top of my lungs WHY?? why is this happening to us. Being so angry with God that he is letting this happen to MY baby.
Christmas is always hard for me, when I go to hang up the stockings it seems so weird and still very hard to comprehend that Sawyer doesn't have one. And yes I have thought about making him one but for me to see it hanging there would be just too painful. I often wonder who he would have looked like. Would he have my husband's warm smile or my caring heart......and how he would play with his brothers'.
I read stories of other families that have had a loss of a child and not that it makes me happy that they have had to go through all the pain but happy that they also know what you went through and are still going through. Cause let me tell you, you can NEVER get that image out of your head. I remember being at the cemetery and after the prayer was said I just fell completely apart in every way shape and form. All I remember was my brother Jason coming up from behind and holding me so tight and not wanting to let go.
The next few months after his passing was such a blur. I felt so distant from everyone around me except for Xavier. I wouldn't let him out of my sight in fear that I would loose him too.
My faith had gotten me through so much and I will continue to pray that my days will get easier and my heart will heal.